CD33.
Still no signs of a new cycle.
The weather here is terrible... Worse still, people here seem to forget every year how to drive on ice, so it wasn't so much the roads that were hazardous, but the idiots trying to speed on them.
R2 is spending the night with his grandparents. I miss him terribly. I have a strong urge to pull him onto my lap and smell his hair.
R1 and I just watched the Sex and the City movie, and now he's watching football.
And I'm pissed. For several reasons.
First of all, Miranda went back to the cheater! What?! I am not a SITC fan, and have only seen one episode in its entirety (the "funky spunk" one). Please don't leave me comments telling me that they belong together and that I just don't know because I'm not a SITC fan - I realize that, and maybe I would indeed feel differently if I had watched all 7 seasons... But I didn't. And he CHEATED on her. He had sex with another woman. I don't care how bad he felt. That is a DEAL-BREAKER.
Okay, I realize that this is probably not why I'm really mad. It's just something to get my mind off of the fact that I'm still not pregnant. That after 5 years, there is still no miracle growing inside of me. That the 17-year old dating a 26-year old abusive man down the street is pregnant, and I'm not. That when God decided to give a baby to someone in my neighborhood, it was her. That He gives babies to women who don't want babies, who kill babies.
I'm sick today. So sick that I had to cancel the 2 meetings that I had scheduled. Dry throat, dizziness, sinus issues. I think I just have a bit of a cold. Nothing serious, but bad enough that I didn't want to subject 50 people to sit in closed quarters with me for an hour. Is this cold the reason that my anger seems to be magnifyed?
I'm sad. I'm angry. And I'm angry with myself for being sad and angry.
It is totally selfish of me to be sad and angry. Look at me - I already have a perfect son. There are so many people out there (some of whom I've gotten to know via blogworld) who haven't even been able to have ONE child, some who are never able to bear children. I should count my blessings and be content with what I have, right? I should stop yearning for something that I'm clearly not meant to have.
Except that I can't. And guess what? I'm angry about that too.
I know that I have to turn it over to God. Maybe it's His will that R2 be an only child. Who am I to question Him? Shouldn't I simply walk the path that He created for me, ever grateful? There's a reason that He hasn't given us another baby, right?
I feel like a failure. A failure as a Catholic. A failure as a woman. A failure as a wife. A failure as a mom. A failure all-around.
I'll pray for guidance tonight as I fall asleep.
~~~~~
PS - I realize that SITC is entertainment, and not a documentary. In hindsight, I probably overreacted. The feminist in me just kicked in. Really, I enjoy a good love story, and the bridge reunion was nice.
Monday, November 10, 2008
In which L gets negative
Labels: anger, selfish, sex in the city
Posted by L at 8:58 PM
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16 comments:
I love that you're blogging again! It is such a great way to keep in touch with people and know what is going on with them. I'm sorry for the reason you started a new blog and sorry for why you wrote this today though. We all have those downer days, and weeks. It IS unfair when babies are "given" to people who don't want or deserve them, and I'm sure even those moms would be the first to say maybe they'd rather they didn't have these children...but alas life is not fair. I wish I knew WHY. Well, maybe to give us challenges, to push us and make us learn. I KNOW though, that if it is what you guys want is to have another baby, I KNOW it will happen. One way or the other. You'll figure it out! I can't wait until your Dr.'s appt!!
Oh, how I feel your pain. Why? Why? Why? I wish there was an easy answer for it. I wish there was a quick fix. I wish, I wish, I wish...
You have my love, support, and prayers!!!
a) You are NOT a failure. You have a bundle of joy in your life.
b) Miranda will come around. Don't worry.
c) God has a strange way of distributing fertility - like does her sleep that much or he has personal secretaries take care of the allocation. I am referring to that line you wrote - "That the 17-year old dating a 26-year old abusive man down the street is pregnant, and I'm not. " I did a post on exactly the same issue in August - http://ovulationticker.blogspot.com/2008/08/god-gives-all-chances-to-fools.html
Read that one! I think GOD is already being bombarded with WHY from my end.
Prayers and Blessings!
I typed really fast and made some glaring grammatical errors. Please forgive me for that. So much for never Previewing!
Here from the Creme...
That feeling is really icky...I just shut my eyes mostly and try and live ignorance. But sweetie your not the only one that strongly dislikes those pesky announcements: so do I!
And to be honest: My personal view on the whole faith thing: If you can't trust your faith enough to question it, and know that it's okay to question it: well what's the point?? Faith/beliefs etc, are there to be questioned. Just as you would re-evaluate your marriage (and I don't mean in a divorce way: just taking a look at reality way) or buying a house, your faith should be able to questioned and analyzed, too.
I have probably completely twisted my words, but thats my thoughts for you! Completely bent and twisted!
Wish you peace and hope for the New Year!
Jo
Here from the Creme. I too was disappointed that Miranda went back to Steve. I just felt that no matter what was going on in a marriage, adultery ain't the answer. Couldn't he have said to her, "Hey, honey, we haven't had sex in 6 months, perhaps something is amiss?"
I know, totally missing the point of your post. The feeling of failure not just at baby-making, but everything, is not something that you are in alone. So many of us feel that way at one time or another. Big Hug.
Here from the Creme:
I don't think that any of us EVER have to just sit down, shut up, and "accept" the existence we're given, at least not until we feel that it's the right thing to do in OUR hearts and not everyone else's.
I still find myself asking why. How is it that random women who don't seem deserving or ready seem to easily get pregnant while so many struggle.
I hope 2009 brings you all that your heart most desires.
Just read this from The Creme and I can totally relate. Although I am experiencing primary IF I think you have every right to be mad...to ask why. I do every day.
Also here from the Creme. I went through a period this year where I deeply questioned my faith. And, where did it get me? I felt guilty that I wasn't a good enough jew to believe and not question. But, that led me to a place where I realized that it is acceptable to have faith and still question why lousy things happen. It makes us human.
Best of luck to you!
Here from the Creme. I SO get it. I have two babies, a daughter through adoption who's 19 months and a son through IVF who's 12 mo, and I still feel this way. What if we want more, what if we can't have more, what if, what if, what if.
I think that it gets harder to make the same decisions after you've had one. The money to do treatments suddenly seems larger because it's for your FAMILY not for YOU. The time, the effort, the emotional toll all is there, but it's also that you're taking all that crap and putting it on/taking it away from your kid(s) too.
It's ok to question God. He understands. Really.
I hope 2009 is your year, somehow.
Here from the Creme... all I can say is "I know" to feeling like a failure. It's amazing to me to read your post and know that this is a fairly new realization for me too, even though I've been on this journey for almost 10 years now... ten years of trying and being angry and trying hard to reconcile it all and just now realizing that the anger that spills out over all of it still (and I am a parent to two kids, blessings both through open adoption)... that anger comes from feeling like such an utter failure in this. My body failed to do what it was made to do. And it still has me spinning at times. I must admit I'm mostly reconciled to the fact I'll never have the privilege of pregnancy and childbirth but I still don't like it. I don't think the feelings ever go away regardless of how much I will them to. But then, the hard work is paying off as I continue to see that you can overcome with help and hard work and still live a joyful life (even when times of anger come through from time to time). Blessings to you for being willing to write your feelings. Please know you are not a failure in anyone's eyes.
I have had all those same feelings - and been angry at myself for it. It is a vicious cycle, isn't it?
And the anger is directed to so many places - all other pregnant women, my body, God . . . Then I relapse and beg them all for forgiveness.
TTC has made me so crazy, I wonder why I continue.
Here from the Creme: Firstly you are not a failure. I must be honest and say that I have never understood secondary infertility and really never tried to because of the pain that I feel just trying to get my first. However, reading your post I can feel your pain, I can hear what you're saying and it kind of makes it a little clearer....that although you have one your heart can still yearn and want more....understandable.
From Creme:
From someone still waiting for her first, I love how you put words to this. It can be hard for someone in my situation to fully identify with secondary IF even if we theoretically understand the bad feelings. Thanks.
The why's that never get answered. Except to say that's life and perhaps God has little to do with it and mother nature is the one dealing out the crappy deals.
Never be mad at yourself for being human. Gosh, who wouldn't be angry, and frustrated, and tired, and feeling amazingly shortchanged? Primary, secondary, thirdly or not so much infertility as recurrent inability to get all the way to the delivery room and the screaming baby; it all sucks.
Nicely articulated post on how our experiences with infertility can color so many other aspects of our lives.
Good wishes.
Creme de la creme 2008
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